When Love & Light gets shady...
I don’t know why now feels like the right time to share this story. I don’t know why I feel the need to share it at all. This may be closure from an old wound that has never fully healed but has tainted so much of me since it happened. Hopefully it should explain my journey from then to now and give you an insight into why my views have changed.
It was summer and things were changing. An opportunity came up that I reached out to grab with both hands; I was thrilled to receive the job offer of my dreams to become fully enveloped in a world that suited me perfectly, that I felt called for. I had visioned myself working in that shop, secretly hoping I would get to be a part of it. It was a place that fit me perfectly, and yet when that job offer was made it wasn’t without a cost. I felt confused at first, unworthy, determined to give my all into making this work. My position though had already been tainted. I was filling the shoes of someone who saw me responsible to them being discarded, who had left their employment under sour terms. I should have known then, but I was too caught up in the headlights of hope and opportunity, already trying to prove myself useful and selling my soul along the way.
I got the job of shop assistant, and for the first few months it went well. I was encouraged to undertake formal training in crystal therapy so I could come on board as a therapist at the shop. That went well too, until I got pregnant. I worked right up until the weekend I gave birth and had agreed to take seven months off for maternity. During that maternity break I was offered the position of shop manager and I was excited. That wasn’t really ever mentioned again though, because as I struggled with being a Mum to my second child in the first six months of his life, the dynamic in my old workplace shifted, I shifted.
When I went back after maternity, it would seem as though I didn’t quite fit in and I was in a more vulnerable place than I realised with my mental health. I was tired, had personal problems, and my boss started to sense my weakness. As I tried to progress after being brought back from maternity (early at my boss’s request), they started a witch hunt against me. After seeing their manipulation with other people that had once been a part of our community, I should have known. Foolishly I had hope that I meant enough to them not to be discarded in the same cold way. They found a reason to be against someone, a loophole around what the other person was doing, so as soon as you didn’t fit my bosses plan, she would axe you, and you were to blame. Now, this was to happen to me.
Bit by bit, she pushed me out. Found ways of tripping me up, and it became a fight to survive, but my position meant more to me than that. The job had never been about money for me, I paid out more in childcare than I was earning just to work for them, because I loved it, but they no longer loved me.
By surprise I was called in for a meeting, no prior warnings had been given for this, and I still didn’t know this meeting was directly about me. I had been led to believe it was about a security issue at the shop that had occurred whilst I was away having personal leave due to being so mentally vulnerable. My week off was forced upon me after I broke down in tears when my boss confronted me about something one morning, and in that week, they made sure I had admin rights taken off me for their FB page, apparently so I wouldn’t be bothered by work. The witch hunt and her manipulative plan was coming to a head. I walked into the meeting and knew in my heart what was happening. This had happened with others, so I knew how it played out. My boss accused me of things I was innocent of. She accused me of anything she could to make me look guilty; A text I had sent her when I arrived in the shop one morning. She accused me of sending it later that evening. I was apparently in the shop out of hours when she knew full-well I would be at home with my family and not anywhere near my workplace. She accused me of spending too much time promoting myself, doing personal work from the shop when I was promoting myself working at the shop which she had asked me to do. Nothing she threw at me made any sense. I hadn’t breached any of their policies because they didn’t have any. I wasn’t falling behind in any of the tasks they set me, but I was struggling in the dynamic of their plans and I needed to go. I stayed silent. There was no need to counter argue because I knew I was innocent of these charges, and so did she. We both knew it, but she was counting on a counter-reaction from me to sink her final nail in my coffin.
Now, someone who I had considered a friend, someone who had mentored me for over a year, was giving me the choice to stay but under full supervision and for even less pay, or… Well, the ‘or’ wasn’t filled in, but I took it. As soon as I left that meeting, I received texts from my boss saying they didn’t want me to leave, they wanted to work something out. More manipulation. I took time off with stress. How the breakdown of my relationship and being left branded the villain broke me.
For months I was unable to leave the house without feeling fully paranoid, I became a recluse and had panic attacks. I was in tears for weeks. All of my circle of friends and clients were still loyal to that shop, and I felt suspicious of anyone, because I already knew how my boss spied on her enemies. She created fake Facebook accounts, and checked her competitors’ websites and social media daily. She got information from other therapists and readers on what was happening. Behind the caring exterior, there was a jealous and bitter individual who loved a bit of gossip and drama who always liked to appear top dog and the ‘good guy’. I had been a part of all of that, praising her to the hilt, following her everywhere like a fanatic groupie. But as she made more and more fractions in the group of people she had previously praised (others like me who had genuinely cared for her), the mask I had worn since I took that job slowly began to crack and fall off, piece by piece. Slowly, I began to see the full truth. And when she stabbed me in the back and in my heart, I was left with the horror of what my betrayer had done.
The irony is that others who haven’t had that experience still think the sun shines out of her bum. Even my own family members who saw how upset I was, are still friends with her and support her. I was betrayed and left not being able to trust anyone I knew, and that broke me. I tried to be so nice and so genuine, but I was cast out by those who say they try to help and heal people, who try to share love and light into the world. Well, I only found betrayal and pain.
I’ve never fully spoken out about what has happened. I lost my way after that until one person I knew from that shop reached out to me and became my ally. I’ve struggled to find myself since then, always feeling tainted and doubting who I am and what I’m capable of. Now I live in a near enough state of stress and anxiety which I’m trying desperately to fix.
Sadly though, my ex-boss isn’t the only one whose spiritual crown is a bit crooked. It would seem that a lot of those spiritual folk who preach about being kind, and sharing love, actually revolve in a world led by their ego and are slaves to financial gain. I’ve found a new path, where love is shared by discipline and sacrifice, being honest about your faults instead of trying to hide them. It’s a path of hope and humility, a path that I know will serve up true justice at the end, and with a new spiritual family that doesn’t care about how much I can buy from them, or how useful I will be in promoting them; they share genuine compassion and follow the true healer.
I have experienced many things in the four years since I was cast out from my new-age Spiritual family, but I have learned a lot. As they say, “When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in.”